


never quite free

by meowcosm



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Cuddling, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Couple, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Pregnancy, Trauma, slight body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23813623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowcosm/pseuds/meowcosm
Summary: it gets okayto praise the daybelieve in sheltering skiesand stable earth beneathbut hear his breath comethrough his teeth-Lorenz, in the process of making a new family with Ignatz, remembers his father. It's not a pleasant experience.
Relationships: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Ignatz Victor
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	never quite free

**Author's Note:**

> me: haha wouldnt it be cute if there was a lorenatz kid and family!! awww theyd have a little bowlcut and be named after a flower or smthn, how sweet :)   
> also me: lorenzs identity has been long constructed around an ideal which does not permit him to have a family with a commoner, which considers him nought but an extension of his father's wishes, and even as he unlearns that he'd almost certainly struggle with himself and feel internally torn  
> me, again: h

Lorenz rarely remembered his dreams. He’d been surprised, long ago, to know that other people did. That whatever their minds conjured in the night, they’d remember in the morning, as consistent and real as if it had happened during the day. A knowledge which was, he considered, greatly disappointing. He’d love to be privy to the things he dreamed of, the world beyond the real. 

Pinned underneath the blankets of his marital bed, breath fear-laden and eyes aching with the slick beginning of tearfall, was hardly how he’d desired such remembrance to take place. Nor was the dream that brought him to such a state the kind he wished to remember beyond the confines of the night. 

_ Hot, heavy breathing, a head leaning, poised, on his shoulders. A pair of spite-filled eyes burning into the back of his head, and the hands- thin, cold, grabbing possessively at his stomach, at his heart, at his mouth. Seemingly endless in their number, able to grab at and cover each disparate part of his body, their grasp too rigid and selfish to fight against.  _

_ Being strangled. His entire body, limp, clutched at and breaking- pulled towards some endless darkness that lurched on behind him.  _

_ A single hand taking his own, leading him like a disobedient child. Refusing any attempt for him to wrench himself free, until it became so much easier to give in, to no longer resist. To surrender, feet dragging and eyelids drooping, into the progressing night.  _

So he did. In his dream, there was soon to be no Lorenz, only some great and terrible mangle of flesh, assimilated into a whole. And he’d resigned himself to it, gone limp in the jaws of the beyond. 

Only to be alive- whole; even- within the material world. One where he was warm, where he had been comfortable, pressed up against the softly-breathing body of his lover. 

Who was alive. As he was, as he had to keep telling himself he was, over and over, til the remnants of any doubt could be held at a trembling bay. One leg moved, then the other, under Lorenz’s anguished command, some nightmarish exercise in control and precision. He followed it with an arm- at first, the one which wasn’t buried partially under Ignatz’s chest, its rise and fall and its soft, fleshy tenderness. With the precision that he’d practiced in the course of his magic use, he shifted each finger slightly, raised them up and down until he was confident that he controlled each one. Began to feel the chill of early-winter numb their tips already- for perhaps the first time in his life, he thanked the worn-thin window sills of the Gloucester estate quite dearly. Only then, with precision returned, could he wake his other arm, shift it from below Ignatz’s weight with enough delicacy to avoid awakening him. 

With a creeping guilt, Lorenz looked over Ignatz and sighed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want him by his side- Goddess, he could hardly want anything more- but to awaken him, after all the things he was so suddenly responsible for ensuring in the light of day, felt incalculably selfish. He could barely understand himself; it would do Ignatz no good to meet a similar burden. So he leant up, by himself, with a practiced quietness, to the point where he could shift himself fully outside of the bed. His bare feet touched the cold wooden floor, and Lorenz shivered again- still, he continued to lift himself away from the softness beneath, til he was standing, facing the balcony attached to the master bedroom. He’d left the curtains unclosed before they’d retired- for that, he was thankful. The light of the moon provided some bare, violent comfort through the darkness- it was hardly light, not by any reasonable standard, but it was enough to mean that he hadn’t woken up to a world much too reminiscent of the darkness in his dream. 

How he hated to think of it, only minutes after it had concluded.

Lorenz took a fair few impulsive steps towards the broad, windowed doors which concealed the bedroom from the expanse of the world outside. He sighed, and wrapped the thin fingers of his once-covered hand over the doorknob attached to one door of the pair. Turned it in a deliberately delicate and muffled fashion, felt a strange shudder run through the length of his body as he did. He pushed the door outwards, opened it up onto the outstretch of the rose gardens beneath the room, taking a brief second to observe the bare solace of the bushes. Which clung on, even in the harshness of winter, waiting for the emergence of some more favourable condition. But in the darkness, there was not much to see of them- only their outlines, cast sharp against the stars in the night sky. 

He’d learnt, once, of constellations. Sigils, animals and beings, which hung in the night sky. Which, if one lost their way, could be used to indicate the direction back home. It wasn’t a knowledge he’d kept, though. There had been other things to learn, considered much more necessary for his upbringing as a young noble, and such subjects had taken precedence. 

Once, though, he’d seen Ignatz painting the night sky. An intermingling of void-black watercolours and droplets as white as milk in tea. And in the middle of it all, he’d been able to put a name to the most prominent feature- Sagittarius, the archer. 

He’d been ashamed, then, of his specificity. It was, as Ignatz considered his painting, a dalliance, or a distraction. But to look at Ignatz’s smile of recognition, the joy he felt in having someone recognize the careful attention he paid- always paid, as Lorenz would come to know- it had excited something in him. Lurid, and soft, in such a way that Lorenz had known before he could even put name to it that such was verboten. 

He’d wanted. That was what it had been- want, a want for what he was not allowed. The weight of the shame of it threatened to crush Lorenz anew. 

Unsettled, still, Lorenz fluttered his fingers over his stomach. Though the curve was evident to the touch, it was still slight enough to be mistaken for simple softness, and though he’d observed much the same earlier with his day-clothes fully donned, the feeling of evasion comforted him. 

Still, he ached. Ached by the opened balcony doors, observing the stars, with the knowledge of impending confrontation. He had brought himself here on purpose; it had been him who sought out the magic which could assist him in continuing his lineage, and Ignatz had simply listened. Encouraged, yes, but it was nothing close to his idea. And yet, he could not help the deep unease which nestled in his gut. Nor could he do much to soothe the residual selfishness he saw in himself, the still little sickness which had been long inherent to defying his father’s wishes pushing him to hate what he’d already chosen. What he’d pushed the one he loved, despite everything he'd ever learned, to do. 

There was a person he was creating inside of him. Who sapped his energy, who made him entirely too nauseous to keep down food, who stopped many of his finer pieces from fitting him properly. Who he loved, still and regardless; because he was a fool, because he was  _ defiant _ , a  _ worthless _ , scum of the whole of Fodlan  _ traitor _ \- 

"My rose?"

The voice rang out clear, quiet, through the still air. Lorenz turned towards it on instinct, but found halfway through his motion that he could not bring himself to face it fully, and diverted his gaze halfway. Still, Ignatz's frame remained apparent in the corner of his vision. Curled, as he was, in the bed that they shared. 

Should have been sharing, right then, if Lorenz could stop his heart faltering like it did. 

"Daisy." Lorenz choked out. He knew he was holding back tears, but the true weight of his grief did not sink in til he tried to speak without weeping. "My sincere apologies for such absenteeism. I shall return to you soon."

"I haven’t seen you awaken like this before.” There was a consideration in Ignatz’s voice that nearly terrified Lorenz. “Are you doing alright?”

“Quite so, my daisy.” Lorenz was hardly confident in his ability to lie through his teeth- still, he mustered up the strength to do so, body gritted and steeled all the while. 

From the soft sigh which left Ignatz’s lips only a second later, he supposed, though, that he had not been as convincing as he had desired. 

“I don’t want to doubt you.” he muttered. “But I have the feeling that you’re being troubled.” 

“...Perhaps so.” With his initial failure, it felt almost immensely difficult to lie any further. Still, he hesitated before he spoke, trying to keep the words soft in his mouth. “Do not concern yourself with it, however.”

“I think,” Ignatz interjected, “that if you’re feeling bad, then it’s no different from my problem. Not that you have to tell me, of course.” He paused, suddenly hesitant. “But it’s important that we share things, going forward.”

Going forward. They’d promised- he’d promised, so sure of himself at the time- that they would be a family. Would make one, regardless of the obstacles placed in their way. Ignatz was to become part of Gloucester, as much as any feather-soft noblewoman might have done, and he would seek to ensure his status. 

Married, intertwined, creating a world before them. 

“Are you having a problem with the little one?” Ignatz ventured, once more collapsing the silence between them. “If it’s that, I’m happy to go and make you that tea. The one that helps.”

Even in the strange, sudden-onset darkness, Lorenz could not help but feel charmed at how fondly Ignatz recalled his favourite things. Still, the mention of the child almost made Lorenz splutter, regardless of the absence of speech in his own mouth. Though he had been the one to suggest the entire affair, who had involved a great body of magical scholars in the process of finding some way for them to continue their respective lineages, he had always insisted on a brisk cordiality on the subject; had never referred to their child through anything other than euphemistic whispers. 

“No.” If Lorenz had offered a bare-faced lie before, what he gave then was a half-truth; there was indeed a problem, one concerning their child. But it was not physical, and so Lorenz bucked at the chance to mention it. 

“But you’re troubled.”

“Did I say that, my daisy?” 

“No.” Ignatz admitted. “But even when I take my glasses off to sleep, I’m not blind.” 

Another shudder, ragged, passed its way through Lorenz’s body. 

“Please. I do not wish to concern you with my trepidations. They are- strange, to put it in that fashion. Silly, too.” 

“That’s fine. If your problems are strange, or silly, I still want to hear about them.”

A wind whipped, furious and cold, outside the balcony. Sent the curtains flying, dancing, all around, made Lorenz crave the warmth of the bed that he shared with his lover. 

“You’ll catch your death out there, you know.” Ignatz murmured. “Come back here, and we’ll talk.” 

With a sigh, Lorenz turned tail. Moved to face Ignatz, as safe and comfortable as he was underneath the blankets- couldn’t help craving the physical comfort of it all. 

“Must we, my daisy?”

Ignatz shook his head plainly. “No. Not necessarily. But, if you’ll accept it, I think it would do you some good.” 

Lorenz sighed, and took two tentative steps towards the bed, shutting the doors behind him. Almost reached his hand out for Ignatz, to let him lead him into the quiet comfort, before he hesitated and withdrew. 

“It seems I have been profoundly out-negotiated. I ask, now, to retain access to the bed.” 

A cautious smile spread across Ignatz’s face, and he withdrew the edge of the covers which Lorenz had left pulled upon his exit. Gently, Lorenz settled himself down onto the mattress once again, sweeping his leg underneath the blankets and pressing his head down onto the comfort of the swan-down pillows.

“That must feel better, hm?”

Lorenz guffawed. “You shouldn’t take so much pity on me, my daisy. You know that I shall be perfectly fine, regardless of what ails me.”

“That may be true- perhaps,” Ignatz responded, “but I think it’s part of my duty to care for you now. We are married.”

_ Married _ . Lorenz turned the word around in his mouth, as if he were savouring some delicacy. It stung, pleasantly, in how different it was from how he’d expected it to be. 

“...Very well. Though it should be established that through this bond, I am as responsible for you as you are responsible for me. Thus, should you falter, do not hesitate to seek me out.” 

Ignatz chuckled, only to cough briefly and resume his ordinary tone. “Of course. For now, though. Lorenz.”

“Yes?” 

“Tell me what’s the matter.” A piteous expression replaced Ignatz’s softer gaze. “Please.”

“...It is about our relationship. Our future together. On that front, I apologize for my attempts to dissuade your interrogation into the issue, since it is undoubtedly one which requires your attention.”

“Go on.” There was a knowing tone in Ignatz’s voice, something akin to  _ I know you’re waffling.  _ He’d expressed the same many times before- doing such was one of Lorenz’s more persistent habits, a way of deflecting what was difficult to say. 

“It is that- I have made this commitment to you, my daisy. Of marriage, of love, of continuing our families together.” Lorenz let out a bedraggled sigh. “I would make it a thousand times over, regardless of circumstance. But I cannot still the guilt inside of me.”

Underneath the covers, Ignatz’s hand slipped gently over Lorenz’s. 

“I know that my father would detest me for it.” An aching sob worked its way out of Lorenz’s throat. “I suppose that does not matter- he does not know. He will not know.”

Of that, Lorenz was certain. He had been removed from his position as Count through the joint efforts of him and Claude- imprisoned, somewhere, fed his meals and starved of information. Lorenz had declined further contact, not only as a consequence of his actions towards the previous von Riegan heir, but to defend the incipience of his relationship with Ignatz. In doing so, whatever capacity to interfere with Lorenz’s affairs he possessed was almost entirely eliminated. 

Still. 

“But I cannot help but to imagine his presence. His eyes, his voice. A-all of the horrid, terrible things he would see it fit to say about us, about you. About our little one.” Lorenz let out a dark chuckle, and his heart faltered. He wrenched his hand away from where Ignatz had clutched it, dug it into the soft flesh of the mattress beneath them. "Father used to comment that if I were ever to father a bastard, he would kill himself out of shame. Though not prior to having both myself and the child killed."

Ignatz’s expression shifted, melted, into a quizzical melancholy. “I- I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been to hear.”

“I am not sure whether he intended for it to be true.” Lorenz stuttered. “It was something he would trot out quite frequently in front of his contemporaries. During tea, mostly. To suggest that he was upholding our rightful standards.”

“Whether he meant it or not, my rose, that’s a wretched thing to state.” 

“Hah. I suppose it is, hm? And I must have been barely a young man when I heard it first.” 

“I know you, Lorenz. You’d never repeat that. Not to me, or our child. So what concerns you so?” 

“T-that I might listen to him, for he continues to hold such a grip on me. Though I love you both, more than I believe I have the capacity to express.” One single ragged teardrop slunk down Lorenz’s gaze, which peered dejectedly down at the sheets, could not muster up the courage to meet Ignatz’s gaze. “It sickens me. I can only hope that you believe me when I say that I shall let no harm befall us. That these feelings, they are- profoundly foolish.”

“Oh, Lorenz.” Though Ignatz did not return his hand to cover Lorenz’s, he brought it closer once more, let it rest in his proximity; in case he wished to hold it again. “I get it. It’s hard, to not feel like you’re doing the wrong thing.”

“Ah, Ignatz-”

“Even though I have my father’s blessing for all of this, I still worry. That I’m doing the wrong thing, because all my life, I’ve needed to become a knight.” Ignatz paused, leaving the only sound remaining that of beating hearts. “Didn’t matter whether I wanted to or not. Other people knew what I wanted, and I didn’t.”

Lorenz ducked his head, bashful. “...I’ve always believed that you should choose, you know.”

“See? It sounds ridiculous when I say it.” Ignatz chuckles. “I think happiness suits you better, too.” 

“...Thank you. I hope that I shall not interrupt any more of our lives with my self-doubt. Or that if I do, that you will feel unafraid to counter my foolishness.”

“Of course.”

“Should I hold you as we rest?” Lorenz inquired. “That way, I shall perhaps feel more protected from any destructive influence.” 

Ignatz nodded, softly, and sunk deeper below the covers. 

“I would be honoured.”

Lorenz mimicked his movement, returning himself to the warm embrace. Slowly, comfortably, he slunk his arms around Ignatz’s body, the way he had done earlier- held him close, full of a sweet and tender love. Ignatz returned the embrace, drawing the two close. Hovered his fingers, ghostlike, over the outline of Lorenz’s stomach, as Lorenz let out a sigh wrought deep with relief.

“Have you thought any more about names, my rose?”

“I assume you will say much the same, that my selection of choice is-”

  
“Rose is a remarkably predictable name, dear. Though I never said I was entirely opposed to it.”

“I suppose. With that considered, if I were to choose it, it would only honour myself. I would like to choose something equally representative of you, my daisy.”

Lorenz’s eyes fluttered closed, a sweet sigh rising from deep within his lungs. 

  
“How about Ignatia?” 

Ignatz chuckled again. “I’m not entirely sure that’s a real name.” At that, Lorenz only snorted.

“I will make it one, then.”

“If we have twins,” Ignatz pondered, “then we’ll have to rethink the entire thing anyway.”

“Hm. You make a good point, my daisy. Perhaps we should consider these things when we are both better rested.”

“I agree.”

Ignatz’s other hand traced softly through Lorenz’s hair, down from his scalp to its tips; within minutes, he fell back into a slumber, deep and uninterrupted. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi and thank you for coming to self-indulgence city, population me
> 
> my twitter is @meowcosm where this fic will go up along w links to the rest of my fanfiction, if you're 18+ (as a lot of my content is only suitable if you are) feel free to follow! i love ignatz a lot and I Will Talk About Him
> 
> as always kudos/comments are a huuugely appreciated thing and are great for motivation!
> 
> thank you again for reading!


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